tWitch and Suicide
Stephen "tWitch" Boss took his life. A reminder about help and self-help.
Hearing the news about the death of Stephen “tWitch” Boss makes me sad and makes me think.
Many people are particularly vulnerable this time of year.
This man, a young man of 40, with seemingly so much to live for, a loving wife, three beautiful children, an immensely talented dancer and entertainer, chose to end his life.
You can never know what someone else is thinking and feeling. Despite knowing people well, loving them, caring for them and knowing that they care for you, we can be amazingly deceptive.
They can find ways to mask the hurts and pain they feel. A grimace can be construed as a smile. Depression can be explained away.
We can give all the love we have to give, talk, listen, and counsel, and it still might not be enough.
We can have faith, and still make choices that will forever scar our loved ones.
We can seem strong and invulnerable but possess deep wounds that seem incapable of healing.
We are not privy to what tWitch was thinking or feeling any more than we are privy to the thoughts and feelings of the person who lies in bed next to us, our children, siblings, parents, or close friends.
All of us are hurt but hurt differently.
Life has wounded all of us, but wounds heal differently for different people.
If they heal at all.
The sad reality is that there is only so much we can do help others heal or heal ourselves.
Regardless of race, gender, sexuality, or social status, all of us are vulnerable.
All of us need help, the amount and degree may vary, but the need remains the same.
If you are hurting, ask for help. Don’t try to heal yourself.
Don’t be too proud to ask someone who loves you, someone you can trust to help you get help.
Make the phone call, text, email, or cry aloud to someone.
Whatever it takes, get help.
Don’t rob your loved ones of your presence.
Allison Holker is tWitch’s wife. Instead of enjoying the festive holiday season with her husband and children, opening gifts, and making merry, she is having to plan a funeral for Christmas.
Check on your loved ones. Make sure they’re okay.
Check yourself. Make sure you’re okay.
If they’re not, get help.
If you’re not, get help.
Don’t wait.
Don’t delay.
Just do it.
Thank you for broaching such a difficult topic.
Both of my spouse's brothers ended their lives by suicide. Even decades later I can see that pain and a feeling guilt remain despite the fact she didn't cause their suicides. One died when she was 16 the other when she was 35. Only one left a note.
Depression and other mental health diseases are challenging for not just the person with the disease but also for everyone around them who loves them. I myself have fought with depression for a significant part of my life. The depression made me more vulnerable to Complex PTSD disorder from the work I did as a paramedic and nurse.
My first suicide attempt was at the age of 16 there was another at the age of 19. I have never been one to talk telegraph I was suicidal. The people in my life during those times never even realized that they were suicide attempts even though the first one put me in the hospital. In the years since, there have been far too many times I planned my suicide, written notes to those I cared about to try and help them understand that they were not at fault, that the problem was my brain turned on me, leaving me so exhausted it hurt to even just breathe. I am thankful that during my last major depression, my spouse recognized how serious things had become and took the time to talk to me, to let me know she understood that I didn't have the energy to breathe let alone fight with the insurance company to get me the help I was in desperate need of, and that she would advocate for me since I was not able to advocate for myself at the time.
That simple conversation and the actions she took said more than any words of, "I love you" could even have said. She was able to get the insurance to let me start seeing an out of network specialist in PTSD/trauma since our HMO didn't have any specialists in that field. That literally saved my life. Thankfully it has been over 15 years since I started seeing the correct doctor for my diagnosis and the depression has not come back like that since.
Ensuring a person is getting the appropriate care is essential; there are differences between a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, and a specialist in specific mental health conditions.
An example of this was while in that deep depression, before my HMO approved my seeing a specialist, they had me seeing a therapist. The therapist recommended I start "shock therapy" because she was at a loss on what to do to treat the depression since it didn't respond to her therapy (she was in over her head as she didn't have the knowledge base to treat complex PTSD disorder). I was in so much pain that I considered this therapy which has some devastating side effects but when I saw it was contraindicated for PTSD, I talked with my spouse about it and that is when she advocated for me to see a specialist qualified to treat that disease. If I had taken the therapists suggestion, it not only would have caused some devastating and often irreversible damage but it also would have exacerbated the PTSD.
Finding the right person for the job was essential as the specialists have been able to help me build resilience, manage the symptoms, as well as engage in trauma processing. I am alive today because of this. My world is so much better today because my spouse advocated for me when I could not do it for myself.
For anyone reading this, don't be afraid to talk about mental health and suicide with those you care about. There is so much stigma, shame, and pain around mental health that people often are afraid to reach out even to those they know love them. We never really know what someone else is thinking or what they are struggling with. It is essential to build into our relationships the ability to communicate about such hard subjects.
The world could use more compassion, empathy, and kindness. When we actively work to develop those things within ourselves, we have the power to change lives. The pain of losing someone to suicide is a lifelong pain. The pain of seriously considering ending ones life by suicide is also painful. Don't be afraid to reach out and talk about these painful things to those you care about, you might just help save a life.