Notes From An Recovering Angry Man
Striking a balance between discoursing difficult topics and being consumed by them.
The last year has been one of burgeoning advocacy, public discourse, gaining and losing friends. It has been a time of personal growth and development.
A recent revelation has caused me to step back and assess my approach to advocacy and how doing it wrong has affected me on multiple levels.
When you’re being an advocate, you live in a difficult place. You talk about difficult, divisive issues in the hope of educating and motivating people. You place yourself squarely in the middle of public discourse and put yourself on the firing line.
People who know and don’t know you take sides. Some agree with you. Some disagree with you. Some stay silent. You find yourself with previous unknown allies, and on the other hand, you find yourself forced to end cherished relationships.
I’ve been a writer for a very long time. I’d never planned to become an advocate. I’m an introvert, but an opinionated one, and when I think there is an issue worth discussing, I’ll discuss it onto death. But I usually picked and chose private “battles,” rather than put my thoughts on public display.
The last few years of having a virulently racist president, watching as innocent people of color was killed by police, and listening to people both Black and White talk about racism as if it were a relic of days past forced my hand.
I couldn’t remain silent. And I didn’t.
And I’m glad I didn’t. Although the cost has been more than I anticipated, it has been freeing to know how many friends and allies POCs have inside and outside the church.
Of course, it has also been extremely frustrating to see how many enemies we have inside the church. So many of my White Brothers and Sisters in Christ have taken hold of a perverted Gospel - one that elevates Whites other races, one that has deified America over other countries, and one that has conflated the Republican Party into a political instrument of God’s Will.
These are heretical and blasphemous philosophies created by Satan’s own hands. Jesus isn’t in one iota of any of this, yet it continues to be spoken, preached, and promoted as truth.
I took up the challenge to combat these lies, and in the midst of doing so, I found that I had lost myself.
I’d become angry and bitter. I’d caught the fervor, but not released the emotion. I’d attempted to rally the troops, but I was fighting too many battles - some against the right foes, on the right issues, at the right time, and for the right reasons.
But I’d lost almost all of my joy. It wasn’t just the advocacy. There were and are part of my life that were and are unhappy. Despite having a loving, God-gifted wife, an amazing family, and a few loving, caring friends, life in addition to the outside world has been tough.
I’ve suffered lots of personal losses. There have been a number of unmet dreams and desires, and for someone who is coming up on their sixth decade of living, all of this plus the advocacy had turned me into a person I hardly recognized.
I’d gone from the nice guy I used to be to becoming a “everyone get off of my damn lawn” kind of guy, and while that curmudgeon is a part of me, it’s not all of me, and certainly not the best of me.
Moreover, I feel that the stress and strain of all of this has taken a physical toll. Nothing dire, but enough to help me face the fact that I was in a dark place.
I need to advocate from a place of love and joy. I need to be much more intentional about my time with Jesus in prayer and the Word.
I don’t need to immerse myself 24 hours a day in advocacy or what fuels advocacy - the news, social media, plain unvarnished ignorance in the Church and in the world at large.
So, I’m not going to stop writing.
The truth hasn’t changed.
The issues are the issues and will continue to be the issues.
I will continue to press the fight against racism inside and outside the Church.
I will continue to call out the GOP on their hypocrisy.
I will continue to use my voice and speak out to those who listen or might listen.
I will continue to occasionally yell at people for walking on my lawn.
But God willing, I will be doing so from a place of greater peace and strength, and not from a place of bitterness and wrath.
Thanks for reading and God Bless.
Thanks for sharing, T. I can’t begin to imagine the difference between you and me growing up and our experiences but I’ll tell you that you are not alone in your frustration and anger. We are children of God observing a the result of a fallen world. I’m here for you brother if you ever need to someone to talk to!
Jonny
I am thankful that you have realized how thin you had stretched yourself in your attempt to do the right thing and stand up for what is right. I have also found myself in a similar position over these past four years where I realized how much the insanity of the world had consumed me and was turning me into someone I did not want to be. When that happened I had to step back from my attempts to be a voice for justice and good to start doing some self care and see my life and the people directly around me with fresh eyes again. I know how hard this has been for me at times, I cannot imagine how hard it can be for a POC. Rest, see those near you with fresh eyes again, find the joy in life again as it is there even if it is hard to feel, trust in God, make time to relax, and you will be stronger and more resilient for taking the time the time to take care of yourself.
Thank you for being a voice that has helped open my eyes, has taught me a lot, and being someone I deeply respect. I look forward to reading your next post especially after you have taken time to find you again.